Monday, January 30, 2012

OPPRESSION

I am not sure if you say mean things to me because you feel wronged n some way or you want to hurt my feelings.. "domesticated" you are implying that I can never be wife material..those things are hurtful..

A lot of things happened with us and something's are in my heart and they hurt..i guys just told me that woman expectations of a man are too high..A MAN SAID THAT...

It's safe to say that I don't know how to not expect someone to hold down there side of the ship..if I see that the CAPTIAN looks lost, or has so many things going on, or doesn’t know which side is up, or overwhelmed all I know how to do I take over take control but in my head I am helping..to make sure that the ship doesn’t sink...why is that so wrong to do..y must I sink with the ship if I could’ve helped keep it afloat.

I guess that I am coming to the reality that another man in my life didn’t understand me. And never will. I wanted was compassion, help, love, thoughtfulness, happiness, good times, and a partner that can give me all of that.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

GRAVITY

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Monday, January 9, 2012

WHAT A NICE WEEKEND

I had a really nice weekend. the sun was shining Isaiah was calm and happy and friends were happy also. Helped friends get ready for a move ...very happy for them God has blessed them so much..i continue to see gods blessing over and over again in my life and in others. I asked for god to help me take care of Isaiah and show me the way to finding out why is so cranky and irritated and he showed me the way... and ever since then Isaiah has been so good, calm and happy...My home life has been calm and the next chapter in my life will be starting in a couple of weeks. Out with the Old and In with the New.

David of course told me did you know i am moving, are you excited.." i stated i am just ready to start a new chapter..be done with the hurt and discontent. i went to my friends house and told him where i was going because i need to pay my phone bill and he came over so that little David could say by to Isaiah. That night i woke up to him in bed with me and Isaiah and again last night.. i am not sure what is going on...all i know is that he is still going to move...i want to have @#$ but i just knew that would just confuse things with him...i have to stay strong...

I hope to start working out again and finally losing this weight...only if I could get Isaiah to sleep though the night and by himself...hmmm how do i do it...

I have to study so i can make this money, but sometimes i think do i really want to make 1st class. i kinda don't want the responsibility that comes with it...

well until next post ... i really didn't have much to say today

Numbers 6:24-26"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

ALLERGIES, TEETHING, AND LIFE

I have been doing a little of research on why my baby is so irritable, whining and just down right grrr, he is teething...great...   : / ......GREAT!  : ) Tylenol is happening tonight   Last night he woke up 4 times just so bothered about something and i got no sleep.....oooo so sleepy....

Me i have allergies fighting me today ...sneeze after sneeze after sneeze.  YEAH!!!! for me.... i am so tired  and hungry that eveything is so funny to me...but it feels good to laugh idk i am so weird...30 years old and still finding things out about myself... But does anyone really know themselves?

work is good so far.... i was able to go home @1 yesterday that was nice i dropped off rent and then went home cleaned the house and at 4 i went to get my baby.... it was nice to have theat timeto myself... and for once i didnt feel bad about leaving him there a couple more hours....
I would loveto take things day by day and put aside and to sleep things and poeple around me that do not make me happy. i am goingto worry about me from now on and what i want. FOCUS is the key...and finding GOD once again...i realized last night that i hadnt prayed in almost 2-3 months...i forgot who gave me life...i ad a dream that i died and i was afraid and i wonder why i was and still afraid to die and its becasue i do not have the realtionship with GOD that i would like to have..and i must get the feeling that i am doing things that i is right. I looked up Dreams and their meanings

( Death dreams generally mean that you are anxious or worried.  You may not fully realize how much anxiety you’re actually feeling.  Many times, troubling dreams like this wave a flag for the individual and cause them to realize just how much stress they’ve been under.  The dreamer can then realize that they need to pull back a little bit – enjoy life more rather than just anxiously trying to get from point A to point B!)


Dreams about death are not necessarily bad omens, but they usually represent anxious or angry feelings. To dream of your own death is actually positive - it means renewal and letting go of an old stage of life. This is also a common dream when you are getting over an illness - and it's a good sign that you are getting better. However, if you dream that you are dying slowly, you need to drastically change your routine and reenergize your life.

Psalm 71:20-21Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

David ask me if i thought that $300-350 for daycare was good enough for child support for Isaiah.
 Here are his words:
"On another note if/when I move out. If I paid you $300-$350 a month to cover izee daycare and took zay zay off your hands every other weekend or whatever do you think that is reasonable child support?"

So i asked him what about everything else that Isaiah needs and he starting talking about custody and a bunch of who knows what. I just cant take this shit with him anymore...if it's nothing then its something.  i dont know i am trying to be be EASY as he says but he is just so dumb. He came home from work and was easy, i was studying and trying to get my head right and he was worried about getting his workout on. i dont know he doesnt have his priorities in order  and i thnk thats what bothers me. When he left to go to Bible class he asked me to take my clothes out of the wash because he is going to need it when he gets back and i said ok.. so as i am at home alone with isaiah doing my homework i hear the back metal door clothes but judt thought i was hearing things. once i got done it was time for munchkins bath , i walked to my room and noticed the  inside door from the garage to the house was open..i ma thinking that David wouldnt leave that door open...so i go to get a knife from the kitchen and take it with me to the bathroom. As i am doing that i close the door but dont lock it (in case i have to run) and start checking all the rooms. Coast is clear, but i am still on edge. so i am giving munch a bath and as we get done i hear david come in i ask him to follow me to Isaiah's room and tell him the story he says " yea i left it open so you can remember to get your clothes." i asked him why he didnt tell me he was leaving it open" he just looks at me and says nothing i kee ptalking and then he walks off. i mumble so that he can hear me " I am sorry Malisa didnt mean to freak you out, no problem David just let me know next time" What a jerk... i say something else he says i am nagging and then says o there goes mommy being mean again...i tell him just stop i get upset when you say that just stop...no one is being mean..just stop ...you dont like me i get it ....He says "no i dont like you..epescailly when you are being mean and nagging.. I tell you once a gain if it not nothing then its something.

i just want happiness and peace.. not to be around some one that cant take the heat when its dished back to them...you only get from this world what you put out...i want to put out postive and smiles and happy...

In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on, and even, frankly, worth divorcing over, both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. "Deserves" is not the point. And "owes" is certainly not the point. The pont is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is -- in the right hands, everything that you give, you get     (Amy Bloom)

We can travel a long way and do many things, but our deepest happiness is not born from accumulating new experiences. it is born from letting go of what is unnecessary, and knowing ourselves to be always at home.

I feel good about getting this out. Letting my feeling and emotinal Hangovers on the screen flow from my fingers....i always say that it is better out then in my head. i am ready to move on and live my life. .do what is good for me and for Isaiah...




- Sharon Salzberg


03jan2012

So the new year has come upon us an i am ready to hit the ground running. Goals this year make 1st class, get my associates, pay my car off and get my home and financials together. Well David s still david. I dont think that he will ever understand what i really ask of him. i love him but not at therisk of my emotional and mental status. New years eve he wanted to get one last __ in and i told him no tthat i want to come into the new year knowingwhat i want ans no longer being confused about us. And the first step is to not Have sex with him until (if ever) we are reconected with each other. So his response was.."lets got make love". Really he just doesnt get it. On a happier note. I picked up my ship borther yesterday. I havent seen him in 3 years but always kept in contact with him. Boy it was so nice to see a familiar face. sometimes i dont feel as if i dont have the freindship and comradery. The poeple on CVN69 knew me and still were my friend for better and for worse. i could be myself and not worry what poeple were going to think, which i shouldnt worry about that, but in reality everyone does. But he is going to come over and visit on friday can't wait. so i have another year here at the hospital and  i dont know what i am going to do. dont know....i am just going totake day by day. and worry about myself and refoucus. I got caught up in everyone elses things that i forgot about myself. the word for today is FOCUS  well until tomorrow i guess i didnt really have to much to say today.

aries woman

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted



On the dark side...
Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil

Ruled by the planet Mars, the female Aries loves nothing more than a good battle and is always ready to meet any challenge. Aries wants to be on the top and she has no qualms about being independent.  In love, Aries women expects that the man she is love with should also be as independent as she is.  She doesn't want that anyone should force her to remain at home and she won't settle down until she is satisfied with her accomplishments in the world. Because of her impatient attitude, she have to face many problems.  If she wants someone, she lets them know with certainty.  She really isn't into lingerie or any of the other feminine dressings. Like her male counterpart, she can have problems with sexual expression, it can make her feel vulnerable and she hates that.  Unless she finds a perfect man , she is capable of going it alone.

Aries female is generally slim and strong, toned and defined. A completely physical individual, you spend hours in the gym every day and the payoffs are evident and immense. You appear to have so much surplus energy that your very skin seems to glow. You hair is thick and luxurious, and you take much justified pride in its appearance.

You are dedicated to your career, and possess a candor that can take you far in the world. Aries females are modern all the way, full of spunk and drive. The trouble is that, while she can forget about the whole thing within ten seconds, the offended party is liable to take a little longer to get over the confrontation. Normally, the Aries woman's joy of living and totally uninhibited good nature will offset the effects of such nerve-shattering outbursts...but this cannot always be relied upon to happen. Even though Aries females are self-motivated individual, they do not like to be bossed around. She will have a good selection of intellectual friends and is impressed with those who can introduce her to intelligent and cultured people like herself. Disliking to be monopolized, she will doubtless resent anyone who seems to be attempting to distance her from her closest friends although she is not adverse to doing the very same herself and may, at times, even enjoy the feeling that she is the object of emotional dependency. Vitally absorbed in the world around her, the need for love will not be the "be all and end all" of this woman's life. In short, she is able to function quite happily and easily without a male partner. That having been said, an Aries woman will make a marvellous wife for an ambitious man, possessing a brilliant, independent mind and vigorous energy.

The Aries woman is particularly attracted to men who are cultured, well-mannered and highly educated for she thoroughly enjoys intelligent conversation. It is unwise to appeal to her affections through reason and it is important to always be punctual. She prefers her companions to dress carefully and tends to shy away from rough behavior. She is usually quite athletic and enjoys sports although it would probably be diplomatic to let her win every now and again. Like all those born under the sign of Aries she hates criticism. It would be disastrous to criticize her in public and care must be taken to do so even in private. On the other hand, the Aries woman will respond extremely well to flattery. She is usually a clever conversationalist who excels in entertaining and appreciates the opportunity to help her partner rise in the corporate world. Aries female are able to cop successfully with the career and marriage simultaniously. In fact, she is probably a better wife if she is working or has outside interests. Aries females are very jealous individuals and because of this they are unhappy in life. In many ways, women who are governed by this Zodiac Sign are charming and were it not for this one character flaw, they would otherwise have a beautiful temperament. She is full of energy but this energy will be lost through anger, impatience and a quick temper. Unfortunately, without self-control, the Aries woman is unlikely to achieve true peace of mind. She should strive to allow the mind to become the master and the body the servant. Aries females have a great deal of willpower and should begin at an early age to overcome their weak tendencies by compelling their higher nature to rule and dominate. Once this has been accomplished, the Aries woman will certainly enjoy happiness and tranquility, as well as peace and prosperity in abundance. It would also serve her well to learn how to overcome the stubborn streak inherent in the Aries nature of both males and females and try not to do all the talking during a conversation. Aries females are the most immature by nature. Aries female gets attracted to the stongest and the best man. Her biggest failing in this regard is probably lack of psychological insight. She is just as likely to pick the wrong partner as the right one and some of the experiences notched-up in the process can be far from beneficial. Then, once she has sorted out the "wheat from the chaff," she can never seem to quite latch on to what really makes her partner tick. As a sweetheart, her worst faults are probably jealousy and the desire for a competitive social life. The female Aries is happiest when married to a passionate and possessive man...one who is determined to make his mark in the world. She cannot tolerate the success of others where her partner fails. In such a situation, she can become grumbling and ungracious with a tendency to constantly find fault. However, if she finds the right man, then the female Aries will be completely fulfilled and remain faithful for the remainder of her life. As a mother, the Aries woman is stern but loving. She will never allow a tantrum to go unpunished, but is speedily ready to forgive and forget. She will take an interest in her children's education and be amibitious for them, but must curb her tendency to dominate. She will always keep a home for them throughout their entire lives and they will always feel that they can turn to her for support in times of trouble. The Aries female needs to be very careful before embarking upon marriage. She is an affectionate creature and, if not appreciated, is apt to become exceedingly unhappy.
 
This woman adores nothing more than a challenge and boredom is something she is unable to tolerate. Aries women make excellent designers and good writers. Other favorable professions include sales, department manager and hotel keeper. They are highly capable of holding positions of authority, trust and responsibility. However, the Aries female will become impatient and irritable under restraint and it would be best if she were left alone to carry out any duties once she has a thorough understanding of what is required. In order to be completely content, the Aries female must learn to check the impulsive behavior inherent in her nature and learn how to occasionally "play second fiddle." She needs to be verbally appreciated for every effort made and basks in the warmth of compliments. She likes to be taken where she can be seen and adores meeting new and interesting people. It is a mistake, however, to think that the Aries female wants to be spoiled. This is actually the last thing she desires.

You may appear to dislike men due to your extreme independence, however, nothing could be further from the truth. You are domineering, energetic and once aroused, you will be sexually aggressive. You are playful, vibrant and fearless in the bedroom. You like to use your body and are quite athletic both in and out of the sexual arena. You accept love as ones of life's little pleasures. You are a free spirit and will go after whatever you want. You have no trouble attracting men because you are always where the action is.